


Pretty Fly for a Cacti

by Carmarthen



Category: Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Botany, Crack Treated Seriously, Ecology, Gen, Humor, Moisture farming, Space Ecology, Tatooine (Star Wars), space botany
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:33:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25941400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carmarthen/pseuds/Carmarthen
Summary: "I don't mean to offend," Luke said. His ears were turning hot, because Han was looking at him again with that condescending starpilot look, like Luke was a child. "It's just—water is purple?""Purple?" Han looked absolutely baffled. "Why would water be purple?"In which moisture farming involves a lot more cacti than in canon.
Comments: 38
Kudos: 186





	Pretty Fly for a Cacti

**Author's Note:**

  * For [privatesnarker](https://archiveofourown.org/users/privatesnarker/gifts).



> I was discussing moisture farming with privatesnarker, who thought it would be funny if all the water on Tatooine came from succulent plants and was purple, so Luke and Anakin first encountered colorless water when they left. I ran with it; many of the jokes are from our chat, and the ungrammatical title is from half a dozen lists of cactus puns on the internet, and as always, credit to Wookieepedia, even if there are at least three different _Millennium Falcon_ blueprints out there. Stripy provided dialogue consultation.

"You want anything to drink, kid? Old man?" Captain Solo—Han—rummaged around in the cabinet under the _Millennium Falcon_ ’s caf dispenser and emerged after a series of bangs and clatters with four cups, one considerably larger than the others. "We've got caf, tea, a couple Corellian ales...uh, I might have some mujafruit mix around here somewhere—Chewie likes that, but it's pretty sour for human tastes."

"Thank you, Captain Solo," Ben said. "Tea would be appreciated."

Luke was thirsty, he realized; he'd never had a chance to drink anything back in the cantina, and shipboard air was just as dry and moisture-sucking as Tatooine. His stomach still felt a bit queasy from the jump to lightspeed, though. "Water, please? If you have it."

Han made a face. "Sure, if you don't mind the recycler taste." The cup Han deposited in front of Luke on the table, which looked like it doubled as a holoboard, was full of clear, colorless liquid.

Luke didn't recognize it. "What's this?"

"What do you mean, what is it?" Han was frowning and banging the top of the caf dispenser, which finally gave up a thin stream of steaming dark liquid into his cup. "I know it's a little off, but it's not _that_ bad."

"I don't mean to offend," Luke said. His ears were turning hot, because Han was looking at him again with that condescending starpilot look, like Luke was a child. "It's just—water is purple?"

"Purple?" Han looked absolutely baffled. "Why would water be purple?"

A muffled snort came from Ben's direction, but when Luke looked at him, betrayed, the old man's face was calm.

"Sometimes it's a bit more reddish, I guess...." Luke hadn't really thought about why. It was water. Water was purple. A simple fact of life. Now that he was thinking about it, were the plants purple because water was purple or was water purple because the plants were purple?

"Luke's people were moisture farmers," Ben said, rescuing him. "Quite an interesting practice. They farm water from succulent plants. All water on Tatooine is extracted from them and it's not fully purified, so the water takes on the color of the plants. Anthocyanins, I believe. Luke, in its pure state, water is colorless."

Han's eyebrows were doing their best to reach his hairline. "Cactus farming? I always assumed moisture farmers farmed...uh...crops. Using moisture. Which is just farming, actually...."

"Not all of the plants are good for water extraction." This was more certain territory for Luke. Moisture farming had been tedious and repetitive and he had more little puncture scars on his hands than he could count, but at least Luke knew how it worked, something Captain Solo, smug spacefarer, didn't. "Some of the varieties we grow for their fibers—that's what my clothes are made from, breathes better than bantha wool, although it's not as warm at night. And there's opun, that has a really nice fruit once you scorch off the spines. And—"

Han groaned and covered his eyes with one hand. "Enough, kid, enough. I'm going to go take a nap while Chewie keeps an eye on the controls." As he left, Luke could hear him muttering "Cactus farming… _purple_...of all the banthashit things I've heard..."

* * *

The trip to Yavin 4 took long enough for them to all get clean (the 'fresher was a marvel, Luke thought, with almost infinite water, even if it didn't have the moisturizing effect he was used to), sleep off the adrenaline, and, in the case of the princess and Han, start bickering again, most recently over the proper settings for the caf machine.

Chewbacca had disappeared into one of the bunks with a comment and a gesture towards his head that made Han scowl and snap, "Well, you'd be yelling at Her Worshipfulness too if she ruined _your_ caf, you big sensitive oaf!"

The princess glared at Han, stood up, and came over to sit down next to Luke, holding out a mug of caf he was pretty sure he'd better drink and enjoy no matter what it tasted like. Up close, she was even more beautiful, even in Luke's cleaned clothes, which were slightly less oversized on her than Han's would have been. Her white dress, while remarkably undamaged, required more advanced laundry facilities than the _Falcon_ possessed (that discovery had also led to an exchange of snide remarks). Yet despite her intimidating prettiness and the razor-sharp tongue she regularly deployed on Han, there was a warmth about her when she spoke to Luke that made him feel comfortable, not like a farmboy out of the dunes who had no idea what he was doing. She felt almost like someone he'd met before, which was silly, but he was grateful for it.

"So," she said, without acknowledging Han's sarcastic bow. "Luke Skywalker. You should call me Leia. You seem too nice to be hanging around with someone like Captain Solo. What's your story? Where are you from?"

"Tatooine, in the Outer Rim."

"Armpit of the galaxy," Han muttered, eavesdropping. "No offense, kid."

"None taken. I mean, there's not much there, just sand and rocks, mostly—I've been dreaming of leaving most of my life."

Luke had looked up Alderaan in the ship's database after they left Tatooine. The holos had been mindblowing—so much green and blue, vast towering trees and rolling plains, cities whose graceful architecture seemed to float above the landscape. Probably not a single cactus on the whole planet, unless they had deserts somewhere, or maybe people kept them as houseplants. But he couldn't mention Alderaan to her, not unless she brought it up first.

"If it's all sand and rock, what did you do there? Mining?"

Luke shook his head. "Not much of that anymore—the big companies stripped most of the good deposits out decades ago, and there's only so much demand for sand exports."

Han had drunk his caf despite his complaints, then flung himself sulkily across a chair as far as possible from Leia, but still close enough, Luke noticed, to provide unasked-for commentary on their conversation. Luke was pretty sure the designer of the chair had never imagined this particular configuration of humanoid, but on the other hand, who knew?

"Anyway, I—my family—we were moisture farmers. We grew cactus for water, mostly, but we had some other varieties for—"

"Oh great, Princess, you got him started. Now he won't shut up about the infinite uses of the humble cactus until he's given you his recipe for opun pie, Tatooine's national dessert. It's pink, apparently. I hope you're happy."

Chewbacca, who had reappeared from his bunk, sat down next to Han and said something to him.

Han gave him a wounded look. "Chewie, really? You're taking their side now? After all these years together?" Chewbacca waved his hands and ruffled Han's hair when he replied, ignoring the disgruntled look. What a strange pair, Luke thought. "Don't tell me you're actually interested in cactus husbandry. You'd be constantly bitching at me to get the thorns out of your fur."

"Well," said Leia, flashing an evil grin at Han, "I for one am utterly fascinated by cactus husbandry. Please do tell me all about it, Luke."

**Author's Note:**

> What a way to rejoin fandom after a few years out, eh, with a 1200-word joke about cactus farming.
> 
> -Opun is a riff off of prickly pear cactus ( _Opuntia_ ), which does have tasty fruit. Apparently people really do make it into pie, and now I kind of want to try that.
> 
> -In this 'verse, Luke is a great cook, as long as it involves cactus (per privatesnarker).
> 
> -Every alcoholic beverage Han Solo has ever had on Tatooine was actually a cactus-based knockoff with a counterfeit label.
> 
> -After discussion with taenia, we decided that the _Falcon_ 's laundry facilities are coin-operated and only take vintage Tatooine wupiupi, no Imperial credits. Han mostly does his laundry in spaceport laundromats.
> 
> -I think it actually would make sense for plants on Tatooine to tend towards red/purple, since one of the functions of anthocyanins is as sunscreen. Help, don't let me go down the rabbithole of AU Tatooine ecology, regular Tatooine ecology is bad enough.


End file.
